Wednesday I went to see the premiere of "Grand Canyon Adventure," a 3D IMAX film starring Robert F. Kennedy Jr., among others, for a review for the magazine. The movie was a story of RFK Jr., an anthropologist and a Native American river guide and their three daughters traveling down the Colorado River in rafts. The imagery was amazing. The soundtrack consisted of Dave Matthews Band and not much else. The opening scenes took viewers through the canyons and into the freshwater lagoons as Dave Matthews' "Stay or Leave" played. I was sitting right next to the Native guide Shana and her daughter Cree in this humongous theater with a bunch of other journalists. I had my glasses on and on top of them, 3D glasses. I must have looked like such a nerd. And then the amazing footage of the outdoors around the Grand Canyon came on the screen, accompanied with this music I relate so well to, and I just... cried.
"... you and I kissing whiskey by the fire with the snow outside. And the summer comes, the river swims so cold. Touch the bottom, you and I, with muddy toes. Stay or leave. I want you not to go, but you should. It was good as good goes. Stay or leave, I want you not to go, but you did. Wake up naked, drinking coffee, making plans to change the world while the world is changing us. Was good good enough?"
While that song lyric may not seem a complete fit, it struck me... hard. As decision time nears, I feel as though I never used my youth to its potential. I am frequently told I don't "seem" to be 22, rather much older because of my attitude: serious and mature. I have bypassed any kind of meandering in indecision. Or you might say I skipped that step where you're supposed to "get your kicks" before delving into real world bullshit and work. The thing is, I still have the opportunity to do that because at the end of May, Audubon is kicking me out. I could potentially go back to Washington, buy a beater car and tour the country's national parks. And this is exactly what I wanted to do after viewing the Grand Canyon movie. Afterward, I met Robert F. Kennedy Jr. at a roundtable for the press. He has a squeaky voice, lots of political things to say and a stellar smile and humor about him. But in meeting this legend of conservation I had only on my mind the mountains, the coasts and the hikes of the west.
I can honestly say that at this point I do not know at all what is best for me to do in terms of staying in New York or moving home and figuring it all out from the comfort of my home state. I don't know. I'm uncertain. And I'm never, ever in a state of indecision, so you can see where I might be a bit distraught. I hate to use the cliche of "at a crossroads," but that is exactly how it feels.
Sometimes there's nowhere I'd rather be than out in the wilderness on some kind of adventure. Getting dirty, cooking on a camp stove, playing some cribbage with my dad and slugging back a few beers around a fire. I cannot even count off how many of my favorite things are impossible to do here.
I know that realistically every person goes through this exact feeling. As Dad frequently says when I complain about work, "Yep, working for a living isn't what it's cracked up to be." And I know eventually I will be in that unhappy state that most working Americans are but I'm not ready to be there yet. The worst thing is... it's probably too late to go back.
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Too Late? It is never too late. Hopefully, the movie also showed you that the Colorado River (like so many places on earth) needs young people who care enough to stand up for what they believe in even when the odds seem overwhelming. It doesn't matter if you do it from NYC or Utah or at a desk or in the field. You'll find your place. As my father always said, "Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life." He also said, "Do what you love and the money will come." I wish you all the best in resolving your uncertainty.
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